It is April 7th just a few days after my 30th birthday, 5am as I am writing this blog post trying to make sense of my no-none sense lifestyle how thought provoking!
On my birthday I decided to try and not make a big deal out of it, I don’t throw myself
parties to make myself feel happy that people want to spend time with me. And because it is a mile stone it’s something I feel I wanted to ease into and not throw a huge bash over.
I did however spend my day with a few people I have come to know and trust now and absolutely adore and that was as much celebrating I could ask for. I held off until Thursday from going out for a birthday drink, I had still lots to do and for the most part drinking sucks the energy right out of me. But none the less I did have a good experience with a couple people on Thursday to help me celebrate it in the fashion of a drink.
So, what is the point of all of this, truth of the matter is… I don’t have a clue anymore. I don’t want to say that the minute I turned 30 and all of a sudden nothing made sense to me because truthfully I’ve felt like this a majority of my life. Being 30 only makes you realize that chances are, half of your life is done, depending on if you live to be 60 or 80.
I want to say I have a really good job I enjoy and I’m happy with everything that I do, but again truthfully I am not. Then begs the question, what is the point of all of this? Again, I have not a clue. I think about risk all the time, what are the risk of doing this or that. Risk and fear a lot now, even though I know it’s not something I should focus on.
But I remember when I first tried to learn how to drive a car, my mother and I were heading to church and she asked me If I wanted to drive the car in. After failing my written test 4 or 5 times but finally nailed it, I figured it might be beneficial that I tried. The experience was awful, I wasn’t use to navigating the wheel at all. So much so, somehow I managed to just drive myself into a completely different lane.
Needless to say having the over protective mom in the car she started screaming at me making me even MORE nervous. I pulled the car over, and she drove the rest of the way. I did not touch the car after that for close to 2 or 3 years.
I look back now, and, I was thinking about this earlier as I am driving in and out of traffic and drove for the last like 5 years probably that fear is the enemy of life. We fear so many things as a society. The entire idea of not being normal and not being accepted we fear.
My greatest fear right now is that I am not able to be what I was born to be, that I would give into this ‘Normal’ Society to work at a job that doesn’t bring me any passion to my life but only pays the bills. I want a life that when I look back on that people will feel inspired by the things I’ve accomplished in such a short a matter of time.
I want the next few months to really take fear and throw it out the window, just like driving and get right back into the swing of things, I may never be perfect at life. But I don’t have to be I just want to get on that road, my road.